i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
