I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
