After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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