I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
