I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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