Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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