When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
