Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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