i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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