Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
