Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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