literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
