Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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