tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
