I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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