my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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