I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
