Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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