Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
