I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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