Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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