unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
