i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
