Kiss
Puke
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
