Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
