I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
