i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
