So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
