Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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