I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There r osticjed everywhere
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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