Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
