I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
