I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
