Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
