I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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