btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
two words: eviction party
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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