My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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