help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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