it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
