if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
