i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
two words: eviction party
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
