I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
