guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I understand Curling. That high.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
