He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
