My liver just broke up with me...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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