I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
