Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
