Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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