The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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