my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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